Off Target

By harvesting personal data

And matching it to our desires

The admen feel sure they can gauge pretty well

What the average punter requires

And the whole thing appears to be working

On my tablet, smartphone, and PC

For the ads are at least about things I might buy

If I went on a mad spending spree

But why can’t this be done on the telly

The papers, the billboards and such?

And the masses of junk on my doormat

Well, that all gets a little too much

For they’re trying to sell me a whole bunch of things

That have no application to me

And it’s eating up quite a big chunk of my life

That I’ll never get back, don’t you see?

Take pet food, or toothpaste, or haemorrhoid cream

They’re of minimal interest to me

I don’t have a dog, I’ve got dentures

And thank heavens I’m Farmer Giles free

They’re wasting their time and their money

Persuading me that I should “Switch”

For they all charge the same in the long run

So why would I want to unhitch?

And why would I want car insurance?

I don’t have a car or a van

‘cause drinking and driving whilst legless last year

Has earned me a seven-year ban

And to tempt me with summer vacations

Is also completely absurd

I haven’t been further than down to the shops

Since my varicose veins became furred

They should make better use of that data

They’ve clearly got more than enough

To establish what things we are likely to buy

And ditch all that irrelevant stuff

If it helps, I’ll review every purchase

And complete every survey they send

So’s, they’ll know every damn thing about me

‘cause it’s driving me clean round the bend