Clubland

When I was just a lad I wondered what it would be like
To be a member of a gentleman's retreat
A club of some long-standing such as Boodle's, White's or Brooks's
Somewhere gentile and refined to rest my feet

But all the clubs I've joined during my time upon this earth
Have been somewhat less prestigious I'd concede
So I've made a lengthy list of all my memberships to date
And I've set them out below for all to read

There's the Tufty Club, signed up when I was five or six I think
Then the Beano Club with pocket money saved
Then I joined Band of Hope when the minister declared
That the Beano club was evil and depraved

When puberty arrived the local youth club drew me in
Then the Top Rank Club girls lured me with their charms
And in the evenings I would while away the bloom of youth
At the Snooker Club down by the Brewers Arms

Some years later I expanded my horizons (as you do)
Joined the Rotary, the Lions and the Round Table
But I found that the commitment really wasn't up my street
But I did my little bit when I was able

And throughout my long and happy life I've added to the list
I've been clubbing all the time since I retired
I would have joined the Golf Club if they'd deemed let me in
But I couldn't get the sponsorship required

And even now there's opportunities out there for joining clubs
For I feel that growing old should be no barrier
There's the Chicken Club, the Steak Club and there's Curry Night of course
All including half-price drinks down at the Harrier

There's the Christmas club, the Book club and there's always Age UK
Who for a very modest little stake
Will ship you down to Bournemouth for a day trip now and then
And at every stop you'll get a comfort break

It's that sense of just belonging to the family of man
That camaraderie for which I pine
And when I do apply to that great clubhouse in the sky
They'll say “sign here friend, just along the dotted line”