Five a day blues

I'm trying my best to stay healthy, and I think I've been doing OK

I've cut back on salt and on sugar, and I'm eating at least five a day

I'm chewing the gum and I've stuck on the patches

I've still got the fags but I've hidden the matches

But I'm rather beginning to wonder

Why I still feel a few degrees under

I'm taking the blood pressure tablets, and checking my readings each hour

And I'm calorie-counting before every meal and I'm baking with unrefined flour

I've sent off my stools for gastro-inspection

I won't catch the flu 'cause I've had the injection

And I check every time that I visit the loo

But I still don't feel tickety-boo

I exercise three times a day on the bike and twice on my rowing machine

And I jog several miles every morning, and then run at full pelt round the green

I've had every check-up the clinic provides

BMI, MRI, HDL and besides

I'm now on the look-out for lumps

No wonder I'm down in the dumps

So I'm coming round to the idea, that far from improving my health

And rather than making me better, I'm gradually killing myself

So I'm closing the book on this wellness regime

'cause the whole blooming concept is far too extreme

And I think that when all's said and done

That we're put on this earth to have fun